Sometimes I am compelled to update my blog because I feel I am getting swallowed up and lost in the Universe. It's partly a matter of feeling like I am still here, and partly a feeling of reaching out and wanting to connect with someone else.
I've had a interesting month. I feel like I've been put in several positions where I've gotten a different look on life and on situations and people. It's been thought provoking and at times trying, but also rewarding and I'm hoping to be better off because of it. How's that for vague? I'm not trying to be, I just figure a lot of people only look at blogs for the pictures anyway so there's no real need to go into unnecessary details. Ah, what the heck. I'll post more things anyway and people can just skip this blog if they feel so inclined.
I made an unlikely friend recently. A girl named Melissa who I met several years ago when we worked together but never actually got to know because of crazy circumstances and our own concerns for being right, while never taking the time to talk or get things straight. It's been about 4 years and we just now talked through it and apologized and laughed about how dumb it was that we weren't friends until now. I never realized I was really carrying that around with me still until now, and it's funny but I feel so much better. I've never considered myself a big grudge holder and I'm one of those people who wants everyone to love me and usually can't stand it when people don't, and the last few months I've been trying to mend any of those relationships that might've needed mending. It's been interesting to see the results. I just want to be friends. Who needs hurt or grudges when you can have lots of friends and lots of fun in your life?
Speaking of friends, I also got a chance to hang out with my old BFF BJ I've known since 2005, but haven't seen since...2008? Gosh it's been forever. It's not my fault, he's usually off living the life in Florida. Anyway, he's in town for his yearly visit to Utah, so I drove down last week and we went and saw this:
(BJ and his Foo Fighters are like me and my Goo Goo Dolls...also, they're awesome)
the movie, needless to say, was just...really great. Plus there was a 3D live performance afterward of their new CD, which is fantastic. I meant to get a picture of us in our 3D glasses, but failed. He probably wouldn't have let me anyway, he's the king of no paparazzi hand-in-the-camera pictures. Anyway, it was a good trip but a little strange. Almost like hanging out with a friend from another lifetime. Sometimes I really miss living a transient lifestyle and going where I want when I want. I know people change and circumstances differ and people get busier as they get older but I miss the people I used to be closest to.
Lately the big debate has been where to move and where to work. I'm moving somewhere on the first of May but I haven't yet figured out how or where. All I know is I need sunshine and warmth in this move. I've been looking online for jobs and apartments but it gets tedious and disheartening more quickly than I'd like. Boo. I just want an awesome job where I get to travel around and get paid lots of money again, is that too much to ask?
Last topic of discussion is that lately I've felt such a weird connection to people who are hurting. It's made me have a strange sense of awareness when it comes to things. Religion, having children, raising children, relationships with people, marriage, things that are worth fighting for and things that aren't, looking past people's imperfections and recognizing your own, being considerate of the things you say, forgiving people, forgiving yourself, that sort of thing. There has been a lot going on with the people I know that I can't even begin to get into.
sidenote- It seems the longer Logan and I are dating, the more people feel like we should be married and feel its alright to ask us why we're not or ask us when we will be. (I'm guessing this is similar to being married and people pestering you about when you're having kids or when you're having more kids.) I'm not sure what the general thought process is in this, or how asking us will speed up the process- like it hasn't occurred to us yet and maybe that will throw the gears in motion or something- but it gets kind of tiring. Mostly because we're not ready to make that decision yet and we get asked all the time, and it gets to the point where you start wondering if you're just gonna end up feeling pressured into it rather than making the decision on your own. Granted, we both have a tendency to probably just date forever and not make any decisions, but even that is our prerogative, right? Anyway, what I'm trying to say is there is no need to ask. Whatever we decide, I'm sure you will all find out when we decide it. I actually don't mind the general teasing now and then because it's usually just my family who does it to me, but it stresses Logan out, which I'd rather not have happen, seeing as how whatever decision we make directly affects me and stress is not the best way to make any decision. ha ha.
I hope everyone is doing well. Sorry for the long and picture-less post. I'll try and come up with some mindless humor for my next post. Plus pictures. ;)
3 comments:
Wow, that was a deep post.
That's fun that you were able to connect with old friends. I remember being amazed when I discovered how much suffering and hurting everyone feels. Now I’m more amazed by people who, despite heartache, find great joy in life and share that joy with others.
Deciding to get married is stressful. It's a huge decision. It certainly was a tough one for me. I kept feeling like I wasn't ready, couldn't afford it, or didn't have enough to offer. In the end, I decided I would never be fully ready, but that I had found someone I loved. Being married to Colie and having Nathan have brought me the greatest joy I have ever experienced. People don't ask you to bother you but because they are interested in your happiness.
I finally decided my life was less about what I wanted to do and more about who I want to be. Once I figured that out, the other decisions were easier. I know Colie will help me be that person.
Thanks Jason.
It's nice to hear different aspects of how people arrive at their decisions.
I've always felt like I needed a big confirmation to really know I was making the right choice because its such a huge decision. Then there are people who say, "maybe no answer means you should make the decision on your own"...and "you've been dating long enough, you should know by now." when all I know is that I'm not really ready to know.
I don't really mind teasing now and then- like Dad the other day with: "WHAT?! Logan doesn't like Chik-fil-a?! Well no wonder you haven't married him..." ha ha.
But it's hard to really know you're making the choice you want to make when you feel like every one is just pushing you into it. It's easy to fall into thinking it's what you're supposed to be doing rather than making sure it's what you want to be doing.
I don't need to tell you that, I'm sure you got plenty more of it for years more than I have. Ha ha.
You're right though, life should be more about who you want to be, and really who you want to be with that brings that out in you. Good advice to think about.
"I just want an awesome job where I get to travel around and get paid...." -- gosh, maybe you should be an airline attendant! Hurry, fill out a job app! So you can get megabuckS!
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